"SAY AGAIN, OVER"
CAPTION COMPETITION

If you can think of a clever, witty caption to this picture, send your entry by e-mail to armynews@defencenews.gov.au (remember to send it sec: unclassified) with caption competition in the subject line.

Army Jimbo's official guide

To being audited

Just once I filed a tax assessment claiming to have spent 57 times my annual income on deductible items and now, about this time every year, the tax office just won't leave me alone. Last year I was audited three different times - one for each tax assessment I filed. Well, this time I decided to make the most of the opportunity to visit with the taxman and recorded the whole conversation.

Here are the highlights:

Taxman: "So, I see here you've filed as having donated $30,000 to the 'Children of the spirit of our Lord Heppizitowa the gracious, the bountiful'."

Jimbo: "Actually, it's 'Heppizitowi the gracious, the bountiful', he's the master of all creation to whom I've devoted my life, my time and ... various other things."

Taxman: "It says here 'Heppizitowa'."

Jimbo: "Oh ... right ... my mistake."

Taxman: "I don't suppose you know who that money goes to specifically?"

Jimbo: "Well, the children of course. But, specifically, no - the simple act of giving is reward enough for me."

Taxman: "So, it would come as a surprise to you to learn that there is actually only one beneficiary for this charity of yours?"

Jimbo: "Why, those dogs. I've been swindled."

Taxman: " YOU are the sole beneficiary."

Jimbo: "Oh gosh is that right, well that's generous of them."

Taxman: "Generous of who?"

Jimbo: "Well, the good folk at the 'Children of the spirit of our Lord Heppizitowi the gracious, the bountiful' of course ... surely you don't think I just donated $30,000 to myself - what good would that do me?"

... A little later ...

Taxman: "You've made some claims for stationary this year I see."

Jimbo: "Yes, well, I can't very well get my work done without stationary now, can I?"

Taxman: "147,251 ballpoint pens - I don't suppose you have the receipts?"

Jimbo: "Why, of course I do." [At this point there was some muffled noises and then a loud thud, as a 13kg box of receipts was manoeuvred onto the table]

Taxman: "Oh, well there certainly seem to be a lot here. Wait a minute ... these are just the one receipt, photocopied 147,000 times."

Jimbo: "Except the one on top - that's for the photocopying."

... Later ...

Taxman: "Under the section on 'expenses related to filing of tax assessment' you've claimed $350 for a high sensitivity, miniature digital recorder with extended battery and extra long record time."

Jimbo: "Ah yes, about that ..."

Taxman: "What on earth would a tape recorder have to do with filing your tax assessment?"

Jimbo: "Oh gosh ... is that the time?"

Taxman: "You're not recording this for use in your column are you?"

Jimbo: "Hey, it's been great, but I have to go. I've got an appointment with my ... advisor ... my health advisor ... who's helping me with my ... grandmother ... she's not ... healthy and ..."

Star Comms

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20
Take a leaf from a pond and expect a reward to follow shortly, or get a life and stop waiting for someone else to tell you how to live. It's entirely up to you this week.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 18
When enough is enough don't just stare - you look freakish.

PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20
While the cat is away the mice will play - Saturn recommends pinball and twister.

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
Flex your muscle this week to maintain your usual ill-conceived plans that do nothing but baffle and upset those around you.

TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
If honesty is not an option ask the magic eight-ball.

GEMINI May 22 - Jun 21
Any monkey can eat a banana - it's knowing your Generals and knowing them well that is the hard part.

CANCER Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be wary of the silver-lined cloud this week, as there is a blue moon behind it bringing winds of furious change in the linen closest department.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 23
Argue all you like, but sometimes not all common pond guppies fit up your nose. Your challenge this week is to prove me wrong.

VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 22
Put yourself in a rabid dog's place - some thighs around the barracks really do look like offal.

LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 23
Should Venus be allowed to implement a new discipline code into the service that goes a little something like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? Somehow I don't think so. Imagine all of the RSMs turning in their graves at the thought.

SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
It's likely to be bright and sunny no matter what or how you think the circumstances are this week.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
Stay away from the sweet sensations of shafting someone this week, it will rot your teeth.