"SAY AGAIN, OVER"
CAPTION COMPETITION

If you can think of a clever, witty caption to this picture, send your entry by e-mail to armynews@defencenews.gov.au (remember to send it sec: unclassified) with caption competition in the subject line.

Army Jimbo's official guide

To scams, schemes and ill intentions

'I'm sure it doesn't need any explaining for most of you, but I'll say it anyway - when it comes to scams, you want to be the perpetrator, not the victim.

Now, I mean that in the literal reality sense.

In the just-pulled-in-for-questioning-by-the-policetask-force-set-up-to-investigate-your-heinousstring-of-fraudulent-crimes sense, you want to be the innocent lamb, cunningly tricked into masterminding an international swindle.

Glad we've got that sorted - if I get one more letter from some disenchanted half-wit in Long Bay I swear I'll ... I should say here at the beginning that "ill intentions" could perhaps be better described as "intentions other than good but with no real potential for excessive or prolonged harm" (which doesn't work so well in a title).

The point is: we're about cheating others for personal gain, not causing long-term suffering.

So, what is a scam? A scam is a duplicitous and less-than-decent method of advancing the scammer in some form or other, usually at the expense of those who we in the business refer to as "persons scammed".

A scam can take many forms and it can involve one scammer or many. Just remember: the scammer-victim ratio relates directly to the amount of money you as an individual receive at the end, don't get carried away and bring all your friends in if there aren't a great many people to scam.

But, keeping an underling or two handy to pin the blame on when you get caught out is a very sensible and widely accepted practice. Here's an idea - why not set up a scam involving Army newspaper?

Take an ad out in Army saying something like "the address for Army newspaper subscriptions has changed. From now on, send $40 for a 12- month subscription to [insert address here]". Before long the checks will be rolling in.

Of course, when people don't receive their papers they're going to be angry and they have your address - so perhaps the address should be a PO box, or better yet - a scapegoat's address.

The good thing about this scam is it's basically legal ("basically legal" meaning "not actually legal, but you could pretend you didn't realise and maybe get a reduced sentence"), so you've really got nothing to lose.

Of course, there's no scam like the scam you cook up on your own, so I'll leave you and your sinister thoughts to do the dirty work from here.

Finally - be safe. If you have even the slightest suspicion that the authorities might be onto you, walk away. You can always start up another scam after you've spent a couple of years hiding out in the Greek Isles (or your cousin Phil's back shed if things go really bad) and the world has an seemingly endless supply of gullible folk who are just waiting for "the opportunity of a lifetime".

Star Comms

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20
Take a leaf from a pond and expect a reward to follow shortly, or get a life and stop waiting for someone else to tell you how to live. It's entirely up to you this week.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 18
When enough is enough don't just stare - you look freakish.

PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20
While the cat is away the mice will play - Saturn recommends pinball and twister.

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
Flex your muscle this week to maintain your usual ill-conceived plans that do nothing but baffle and upset those around you.

TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
If honesty is not an option ask the magic eight-ball.

GEMINI May 22 - Jun 21
Any monkey can eat a banana - it's knowing your Generals and knowing them well that is the hard part.

CANCER Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be wary of the silver-lined cloud this week, as there is a blue moon behind it bringing winds of furious change in the linen closest department.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 23
Argue all you like, but sometimes not all common pond guppies fit up your nose. Your challenge this week is to prove me wrong.

VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 22
Put yourself in a rabid dog's place - some thighs around the barracks really do look like offal.

LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 23
Should Venus be allowed to implement a new discipline code into the service that goes a little something like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? Somehow I don't think so. Imagine all of the RSMs turning in their graves at the thought.

SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
It's likely to be bright and sunny no matter what or how you think the circumstances are this week.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
Stay away from the sweet sensations of shafting someone this week, it will rot your teeth.