"SAY AGAIN, OVER"
CAPTION COMPETITION

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Army Jimbo's official guide

to getting that posting

It has come to my attention that some military folk occasionally experience a little difficulty getting the posting they want. I say this in such non-committal terms because I want to make sure it will be allowed to go to print, and because I have no personal experience in this matter.

Of all the units in which I’ve served, not one has ever tried to prevent me getting another posting, some have even posted me out before I asked, and some have simply moved to another barracks without telling me. But apparently some people don’t have it as good as I do.

If you’re one of these people who can’t get the posting they want then I have one thing to say to you – you’re too valuable. Folk like you make me sick. You spend your whole career working like a slave, drawing attention to yourself and your pathetic good deeds everywhere you go. You get commendations, decorations and letters of congratulations from all over the place and at the end of the day it’s the conniving, backstabbing, work-evading soldiers like myself who are made to look like the bad guy.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t help you. That’s right, out of pure generosity and goodwill, I’m more than happy to step up and drag some decent person down to my level. In fact, I live for opportunities like this.

Step one – stop working. It’s your hard work and good conduct that’s landed you in this mess, so let’s just cut that one off at the knees right now.

Step two – cook up some devilish scheme to speed up the process. That’s the problem with good deeds – they follow you around like a bad smell for years. It doesn’t matter what you do, now that you have a good reputation people will forgive you for anything and that includes laziness. You’re going to have to encourage your hierarchy if you want that posting any time soon and that means blackmail.

Now, if there’s a subject I know well it’s this one so listen carefully. Everyone has a skeleton or two in the closet and if your boss doesn’t, for God’s sake find a skeleton and put it in his closet. Then talk to your boss, let him know that you know about said skeleton(s) and allude to the fact that any talk from you will be disastrous for him.

As soon as your boss knows that you know what he knows nobody can know he’ll be willing to do just about anything to keep you quiet. I say “just about anything” because he won’t be willing to dress like a rooster and attack the guest of honour at the next dining in function shouting “free the chickens”, in case that’s what you had in mind. Stay focussed – let’s get you posted and then we’ll talk mischief.

Star Comms

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20
It may be easier to make friends with a pineapple this week than with your supervisor.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 18
You will be able to make a lot of progress as long as you don’t procrastinate. Or if you do, try and do it briefly. Some call this technique premature procrastination.

PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20
Hard work is the key to lasting wealth. Just ask any peasant!

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
You may have to be creative when dealing with your partner. This could take the form of a surprise dinner or a new Ferret.

TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
People who are supposed to be helping seem to be making things worse.

GEMINI May 22 - Jun 21
It’s just a recurring headache. A brain tumor feels much worse. Just ask a Capricorn.

CANCER Jun 22 - Jul 22
You may have to mediate between a brawling Leo and an Aries. Confiscate any sticky buns and other foods they have just in case.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 23
Life is never quiet or easy when Mars opposes your star sign. Luckily I haven’t the foggiest of when that is so you can probably ignore this.

VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 22
A good idea that occurs early in the week will bear fruit by next week. Let’s just hope it isn’t ugly and disturbing fruit with poisonous tendencies.

LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your romantic partner will experience more energy and confidence with you. Hurrah!

SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
Some filthy Taurean will steal colleagues’ food. When they get their behind kicked for it be sure to enjoy the spectacle.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
People don’t really understand you because they don’t grasp the totality of your brilliance, your glorious genius, and your natural leadership skills that will lead you and your group to fabulousness.