"SAY AGAIN, OVER"
CAPTION COMPETITION

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Army Jimbo's official guide

to Conspiracy Theorising
People often ask me where I get all the conspiracy theories that tend to wind up in this column every edition whether I want them to or not (okay, nobody has actually asked me, but I thought you might like to know).

So I’ve decided to offer a very brief course for all would-be conspiracy theorists, which I like to call Conspiracy Theorising -101.

Good conspiracy theorising is about noticing minute, seemingly unrelated and generally insignificant occurrences and lacing them together with whatever happens to be lying around at the time.

It is not simply made up using randomly selected names and suspect organisations; it’s carefully researched and based on overwhelming hearsay and innuendo.

The thing to remember when developing a conspiracy theory is that there are no coincidences, nor is there anything that occurs as a matter of normalcy, it’s all part of a greater plan that is almost certainly sinister and if it isn’t sinister it can be made so with a little careful – not lying, which is wrong – smudging of the facts (how much pressure should be used and how vigorously this smudging should be applied, I leave up to you and your interpretation of the circumstances, but I tend to apply the rule “if in doubt, smudge”).

Remember also that a conspiracy theory doesn’t need to be some broad ranging, highly questionable conjecture based on the suggestion that the Pentagon is plotting with Su Ling’s Tuesday night Taekwondo class to open an interstellar gateway allowing the space ships of the Nexus of Evil into our solar system for their invasion of Earth and the subsequent enslavement of all humankind (if anyone has any information on this, by the way, write to “Jimbo’s conspiracy theories in progress” at the usual address).

You could form a conspiracy theory within your own workplace, in fact, it’s probably better to start small when you’re new to this kind of thing.

Something centred around your unit, your colleagues, your brew room or your sock draw would be a nice place to start and the same basic principles apply.

Just remember, if you are keen on this sort of thing, the conspiracy theorist is a lone wolf, a solitary individual, with no true friends and nobody he can trust – mainly because his condescending manner and idiotic blather is downright annoying to pretty much everyone. Good luck.

Star Comms

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 20
Studded football boots are for feet, not faces.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 18
The winter chill is best handled with someone who likes their beans.

PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20
When there isn’t enough love in the room, close your eyes and reach out to the person closet to you.

ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
It is noted that the sun of the scholar is in your moon but be wary of the ferret in your spoon.

TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
Giddy-up, you can be the Lone Ranger this week on a mission to secure a tex-mex beauty.

GEMINI May 22 - Jun 21
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (to me). Gifts that smell of burnt berries should be opened with caution.

CANCER Jun 22 - Jul 22
It is imperative that you do not wear your underwear on the outside this week.

LEO Jul 23 - Aug 23
With a confident roar of “follow me men”, you will lead your gun group across the open ground into enemy fire. Stay tuned next week to see if you die...

VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 22
Every section needs a mummy and you will teach your ‘children’ new phrases that only you understand.

LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 23
You acheive a high result in an upcoming egg-sucking competition – congratulations.

SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
The toast to the Army in the Sergeants’ mess should not be responded to with “the edge”.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
Throw more crazy, throwing-your-self-on-the-ground type of tantrums in order to have your true potential recognised.