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OUR
LAST WINNER
 Pack
animal testing for SASR now enters the live drop stage.
– Capt Neil Squires, 1 Bde
Army newspaper staff also liked:
Pte Smith wondered why he had got the horse suit whilst Pte
Jones got Britney Spears’s sexy outfit to wear to the
company ball.
– SCdt Trevor Watson, RMC-A
This harness is sooooo tight I left the plane a stallion and
landed a gelding.
– Dan Craig, ABC Radio Canberra (ex-AAPRS)
After the thrill of the skydive, I’m now feeling a little
hoarse.
– Sgt Eddie Brennan, 2 Cav Regt
After being threatened with the glue factory, Mr Ed decided
on a career change to extreme sports.
– Spr Matt Dillon, 1CER
Army
Jimbo’s official guide
To
hiring a body double
Body doubles are fast becoming the ultimate fashion accessory
and it’s not just Third-World dictators who are sporting
them. People from all walks of life are picking up on the
fad and these days you’re likely to see just about anyone,
from infamous terrorists to the little old lady next door,
employing a body double from time to time. But buyer beware
– the body double industry is rife with cheap imitators
and dodgy individuals. This simple guide should help you navigate
the body double purchasing minefield.
Freedom – that’s what a body double offers you –
freedom like you’ve never known it before. Don’t
like those early morning PT sessions? No problem, just send
the double along. Called into the RSM’s office for setting
up a $10-per-minute erotic chat line in the unit orderly room?
Not to worry, let your double take the rap. There’s no
limit to the opportunities and everyone can think of a time
when they could really use a body double.
For people like me – and I’m confident that most
people are – a body double is the ultimate “get
out of gaol free card” when all the other safety mechanisms
that go into a scam fall apart. There are Army Jimbo look-alikes
everywhere – two in mental hospitals, four in menial
jobs that I attempted for a day or two before throwing in
the towel and one at a Wiggles concert.
Now, as with every hare-brained, totally illogical and highly
illegal scheme, there is the possibility you might encounter
problems. Just ask Osama bin Laden, who was actually quite
a personable chap until a disloyal and ill-intentioned body
double got into an “I’m the real Osama – no,
I’m the real Osama” argument with him.
So, when hiring a body double, you’re looking for loyalty
– not the informed and courageous kind of loyalty that
develops under good leadership and bold decision-making, but
the witless, unthinking lemming kind that can’t survive
without your constant belittling and threats of violence.
If ever your body double becomes self-aware, things are going
to get very messy.
The other issue is cost. It’s one thing for a rogue-state-leading
despot, with his cadre of secret police and reputation for
ending every sentence with an evil laugh (just what I’ve
heard) to dip into what public monies there are to purchase
a few top-of-the-line like-looking folk, but how do you, on
an Army wage, find the funds to engage in some basic body-doubling?
Any experienced employer of body doubles will tell you you’re
looking for “value” rather than “cheap”
– don’t hire the first pimple-faced, eager-to-please,
straight-out-of-school wannabe body double to answer your
ad in the personals section of the local paper.
There are a number of body double agencies out there and it’s
certainly better to go with one of them. Agencies do charge
a little more and the people they offer tend to know their
rights, which could prove difficult when you’re trying
to use a body double to fake your own death or stand in for
you at the annual equity brief.
Ultimately you’re looking for a quality double at an
affordable price – it’s not much use having a double
stand in for you at work if you spend your entire income on
the venture.
Star
Comms
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 - Jan 20
If you’ve been planning to rent your spare room to a
bizarre voodoo cult, now is the time to put things into action.
AQUARIUS Jan 21 - Feb 18
How long has it been since your last major life-changing event?
Pick up some wholegrain rice next time you do the grocery
shopping.
PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20
Fish are fun, but please don’t over feed them.
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
Your focus on fitness will pay off this week; indulge in some
chocolate cake as a pre-emptive reward.
TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21
You’ve been picking your nose for the past 12 years and
getting away with it, but hold back this week or you’ll
be caught out.
GEMINI May 22 - Jun 21
You’ve got something stuck in your teeth.
CANCER Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your irresponsible management practices have besmirched the
reputations of fellow ant farmers for years to come.
LEO Jul 23 - Aug 23
Make a 60-minute tape of your calm, soothing voice saying
things like “... people are not out to get me ... violence
never solves anything ... I love myself ...” and leave
it somewhere for your colleagues to find.
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 22
Try and make it through an entire working day without standing
up from your wheeled office chair – even better if you
don’t actually work in an office.
LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 23
Now is the time to enrol in a community college course in
straw hat weaving – you’ll be surprised where it
will take you.
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22
Cultivate a family of cockroaches in your workplace. If anyone
says anything, explain that they’re friends of yours.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 - Dec 21
Your status as the class clown is waning, try to build a reputation
as an intolerable gossip to take its place.
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