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OUR
LAST WINNER
 "After
running up the back of the truck, 007 was thinking hard about
how to explain it to 'Q' and the insurance company."
- Capt Ian Stewart, DMO
Army
news staff also liked:
"Pte Smith's plan for a "dramatic entrance"
to SF barrier testing day didn't go according to plan."
- Capt Tony Scott, 16 Bde (Avn)
"While
trying to prove the 4-wheel drive capabilities of his new
ute, Roger soon realised his expectations were slightly unrealistic."
- Cpl David Tucker, ARHPO
"Trials
on the new MaRV (Marine Recovery Vehicle) are continuing to
impress project staff."
- Sgt David Eldridge, 3CSSB
"Water
levels in Lake Hume were at an all time low, leaving boat
ramps slighlty difficult to negotiate."
- Capt Damien Batty, ALTC
Star
Comms
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 - Jan 20 When you're happy and you know it clap your
hands.
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 - Feb 18 Beware of prickly socks this week as you begin
phase one of the cactus treading boot trial.
PISCES
Feb 19 - Mar 20 You will notice strange swelling in your fingers
at the same point in time that you feel tears rolling down
your face.
ARIES
Mar 21 - Apr 20 Consider the bonus of baking your own hedgehog
slice. Although, hedgehogs will be harder to find as winter
approaches.
TAURUS
Apr 21 - May 21 Little indications that you are the star performer
begin this week when you are asked to be Wonder Woman in the
annual fun run.
GEMINI
May 22 - Jun 21 Try to work the phrase "whose monkey
is it anyway?" into as many conversations as you can.
CANCER
Jun 22 - Jul 22 Your chances of becoming embroiled in a complex
love triangle with your next door neighbour's pet goldfish
and a tin of tomato soup are pretty slim this week.
LEO
Jul 23 - Aug 23 A zebra never loses its stripes.
VIRGO
Aug 24 - Sep 22 Remember - just because you're not paranoid
doesn't mean they're not after you.
LIBRA
Sep 23 - Oct 23 Make the most of your bad hair days this week.
I'll let you interpret that in any way you please.
SCORPIO
Oct 24 - Nov 22 If you've ever considered quitting your job
and forming a barbershop quartet, this is the week to make
your dreams a reality.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 23 - Dec 21 Be wary of small dogs and shop assistants
this week - they can't be trusted.
Army
Jimbo's official guide
Just
when you're all set with your plans to form a sadistic cult
based on dog biscuit worship and the ritual slaughter of French
bread sticks, some energetic Chinese pastry chef comes along
and ruins the whole thing.
So,
bottom line, no devilish Army Jimbo scheme this edition.
On
the bright side, after discovering that my psychiatrist records
all our sessions and asking for my own copy of the tapes and
being refused and asking again and being refused and asking
again in a really high-pitched screaming voice and being refused
and sitting outside his house singing 99 million bottles of
beer on the wall for 13 hours straight, I finally got hold
of my own copy.
So,
in light of this minor victory, I decided to provide a little
snippet of my life, with some highlights from one of my recent
visits. Just so you know, my psychiatrist insisted I don't
mention his name - or come within 500m of him according to
the latest restraining order to land on my desk - so for the
purpose of this column we'll call him Bob.
Bob:
That's very brave, Jimbo, and I'm glad you were awarded a
medal, but have you done anything other than play Playstation
since the last time we spoke?
Jimbo:
I was involved in a car accident yesterday.
Bob:
That must have been frightening.
Jimbo:
Not really. I say "involved in", but I suppose you
could also say "caused, by unbolting the rear doors of
a cattle truck stopped at the lights and then taking off before
anyone saw".
Bob:
That's not a very nice thing to do.
Jimbo:
They deserved it.
Bob:
Who deserved it?
Jimbo:
[inaudible]
Bob:
Please don't eat all my International Roast; other people
might want coffee too, you know.
Jimbo:
It tastes funny anyhow.
Bob:
Do you think your propensity for random destruction could
be an attempt to draw attention to yourself ... the ceiling
fans are not for climbing on.
Jimbo:
I didn't want people to see me; if they saw me I'd get in
trouble again.
Bob:
But you're not afraid I'll tell someone and get you into trouble.
Jimbo:
You can't prove anything.
Bob:
You know I record all our sessions ... don't chew your toenails.
Jimbo:
You record all our sessions? Can I have the tapes?
Bob:
No, those tapes are for me and if I let you have them I wouldn't
be able to listen to them myself.
Jimbo:
Okay. Can I have them?
Bob:
No Jimbo, you can't.
Jimbo:
[high-pitched scream] Give me the tapes. Give me the tapes.
Give me the tapes. Give me the tapes ...
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