Grief

At some time in most people’s life you will need to deal with grief. This is particularly true for Defence personnel and families, due to the at times dangerous and difficult environment in which we work. Grief is a simple word to describe a complex and often bewildering reaction we experience following a significant loss.

Death is not the only loss that causes us to grieve. Other events such as divorce, miscarriage, loss of a relationship, job, possessions, or home can also cause grief. The grief process involves a range of emotional, physical and/or behavioural reactions that can leave you feeling helpless, overwhelmed with sadness, confused and/or angry. There is no right or wrong way to cope with grief and the information provided here is designed to help you recognise many of the common responses to loss. This information can help you to cope better with your feelings, as intense and unfamiliar as they may be.

Why do I feel so bad?

Grief is a complex process. Initially you may feel numb, disbelief, and shock. During this period a person may continue doing things for a person whom has left or died.

This state helps to protect you from the intense hurt of the loss. You are surprised that the world around you continues unchanged, when you feel that your world has been shattered. As days, weeks and months pass some of these initial reactions will pass as other stages of grief follow. You may notice some of the following reactions:

Physical

Physically your body may ache with tension. You may experience stomach pains, headache, changes in appetite, low energy and motivation, poor sleep. Other reactions may include:

• Crying
• Breathlessness
• Nausea
• Agitation and restlessness
• Particularly susceptible to viruses, rashes or other minor illness

Emotional / Psychological

Some people experience things they feel may be bizarre such as seeing their loved one’s face in a crowd, crying when they smell their favourite scent, and certain keepsakes and reminders of the loved one may be treasured.

It is very common for people after a sudden loss to imagine all the “what if’s”. People may even feel guilty or blame themselves for the loss. It is not uncommon for people to try and make deals with God to return the person who is gone.

People may feel their lives have lost a purpose and some bereaved people describe wanting to die themselves.

Other common emotional and psychological reactions experienced in grief include:

• Poor concentration
• Fear
• Panic
• Depression
• Guilt
• Anger
• Sadness
• Withdraw from friends and family

How to best cope during the grieving process

• Ask for help and support from family members or support group.
• Tell people what helps and what doesn’t.
• Talk with others who experienced loss and grief.
• Recognise your feelings, be forgiving and patient with yourself.
• Be good to yourself.
• Use writing, art and music to let out your feelings.
• Give yourself time. There is no set time-frame for the grief process.
• Seek professional help if you feel you need it.
• Expect that while every day will get better, along the way there will be good and bad days.

Things to avoid during the grieving process

• Be cautious. Grief cannot be side-stepped or cured by medication, alcohol or drugs. However, it may be appropriate to talk to your treating medical practitioner if you feel your symptoms are prolonged or unbearably intense.
• Trying to distract yourself by keeping extraordinarily busy, making significant changes in your life such as moving house or changing job may not be the most useful approach to coping with your grief. Instead, talk about your loss and remember your loved one in ways that are meaningful to you.

Where to get help

• Local Medial Centres
• Psychology Support Sections
• Chaplains
• Defence Community Organisation

Support Lines

• The Defence Family Helpline is for ADF members, their partners, children and relatives for whom the member has primary responsibility. Commanders can also call the Helpline when seeking support for an ADF member or information on support services available to Defence families. The helpline can be called on 1800 624 608 or emailed at DefenceFamilyHelpline@defence.gov.au.

• All Hours Support Line (ASL) is confidential telephone support service for member and families in crisis 1800 628 036

• Lifeline 131 114

• Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service (VVCS) This service is available to veterans of all deployments and their families. VETLINE – 24 hour emergency line (Sydney/Canberra) <1800 011 046>

Web Resources

More information is available on the Australian Defence Force Mental Health Strategy (ADFMHS) website:

Defweb Address: </intranet.defence.gov.au/vcdf/sites/DMH/>

Internet Address: < www.defence.gov.au/health/>