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CARNIVALIANCE:  Climbing the Ranks of Sideshow Alley 
By Darren Gallagher

At 2008's RAAF Richmond Sydney area Christmas treat, I started to think about different side shows and how they all see each other.  Call it a 'rank based mindset', but I was wondering where you start out in the carnival scene?  

Well, it was about 4pm on a Friday as I walked into the local 'Authentic Irish Pub' in search of my story. I heard from a guy who heard from his postman or something that an old 'side show alley' veteran was a regular here and that he would happily answer my questions.  Known only to me as Frank, it wasn't really hard to find him because everyone knew who he was.  And what a character he proved to be.  'Side show alley was stimulating all of us the way the pokies do to many these days' he said, 'Giving us that challenge, to win something.  Giving us that will to beat the game because winning a soft toy doesn't feel like gambling now does it,' chuckled Frank.

What I really wanted to know though, readers, was how the hierarchy works in the carnival scene.  Frank recalled his first assignment was helping set up all of it.  "I really didn't have my own show at that point, I was just somewhat of a sideshow alley roustabout, but I guess my first one was really the strength tester, yep that would be it".

I then asked Frank (who had a brother in the Navy) to help me understand what order of seniority each ride had, just in the interest of good fun.  Which was the top and which was the bottom?  Frank suggested that his ordering would try to reflect levels of responsibility.  The higher chance of a customer dying, the higher placing on the list he felt. When asked why the Ball Roll was placed above the clowns he replied, "Well, with this one, you have to have street smart understanding of how to manage the customer. The others before that can be pretty much just dumb luck, but the Ball Roll can be...managed" (Smiles). He ordered them as follows and made the following observations:

Cha-Cha (Sizzler): This was everyone's favourite for a long time, and for many little shows, was always the biggest thrill ride.

Dodgem Cars: We used to play a game on the Dodgems.  The challenge was to see how may times in the ten minutes you could jump from one car to another.  Then we numbered the cars, and you had to jump them in numerical order - that was harder.

Octopus: There was always more vomit on this one.  It was less popular than the Cha-Cha, and always required more cleaning.

Wipeout: This was a bit of a Clayton’s ride.  It would just go round and round on the same axis.  Kinda the ride for little kids really.

Haunted House / Mirror Maze:  These two are on par, because you have a bunch of people just running crazy in there. I remember one kid who got really frightened because he couldn't find the exit of the mirror maze and his dad told me to keep him in there for a bit longer because he had been naughty earlier in the day.

Gravitron: Not much to this one - I remember getting fat when I operated this because it was all sitting around.  It spins and people get stuck to the sides. Vomitron we used to call it. (Laughs)

Chain Chair Ride: This ride is very popular and quite easy to set up.  I remember getting a little nervous letting some 'bigger' kids on this one, but while I've heard of chains breaking, I never had it happen to me thank goodness.

Shooting Gallery: Probably my favourite I think.  People think the guns were crooked and designed to not shoot straight (laughs), surely not.

Jumping Castle: This is kinda where the responsibility starts.  Little kids play hard. But what’s great about this is, they smash heads and still get up and go full bore because mum can't see them cry in the castle and so they don't.

Fairy Floss: Dealing with sticky food stuff isn't fun, and I know this isn't a side show as such, but this will most likely make my brother laugh because he helped me out once by doing it (chuckles).

Ball roll & Bottles with Money in them: As I said with this one, it’s one of the toughest jobs in Sideshow Alley to do.  You can go broke really quick unless you learn how to 'judge' the roller fairly...or fairly enough (chuckles)

Baseball & Can - Knock em down: A skill game, that's all it is.  You rely here on people throwing it too hard.  The harder they throw, the less likely they are of knocking it all down.

Clowns - When I finally made the clowns, I felt like I had now stepped into something a bit bigger.  This is what the clowns were to me.  You had your own space.  I liked the clowns actually.

Darts & Balloons: Speed and luck.  That's what the Dart & Balloons is all about.  If you manage to throw hard and straight, you will win.  Most good dart players throw light and soft, so that's why they generally do quite poorly.

Basket Ball (Hoopla) - Much like the darts, just safer.  You can get accidentally hit with a basket ball and it hurts less (Laughs).

Lucky Ticket Numbers:  It's a luck game, pure and simple.  If you buy enough tickets, you will generally win something.

Strength Tester (High Striker): I put this one first because it was my first.  In reality it could be higher.  But there's not much to it.  If they are strong, I mean really strong, then they will win.  One of the things with this was, you had to be able to do it yourself to demonstrate it.  So they put me on it because I was a pretty beefy lad and could actually make it ring.

Chatting with Frank about this, folks, was a really funny thing.  Clearly spending so much time on the road gives you a keen eye for people and real sense of how to size them up in a glance.  He said to me, 'You look like a man who would have been taken for a few bucks in sideshow alley'.  Oh how right he was, though there is a stigma about sideshow alley that we are all kinda drawn to.  Like buying that first copy-watch in a foreign land, or that first night at the Nelson Bar in Sembawang, you sometimes can't beat sideshow alley when it comes to life just after dark.  I want to pass a big thanks to Frank.  He was a good sport about all this really let me ask the kinds of questions I always wanted to know.  The one thing he wouldn't answer though, folks, was where they all go when the show is over?  Where do these people disappear to when the fairy floss is all gone?  "The show is never over my friend" said Frank, "There is always another show".

Disclaimer:  This information is intended for satirical purposes only.  There is no hard and fast rule as to what the hierarchy of the rides is, so it's not like the ADF.   But if you have read this article and are now thinking that life may be for you, then get out there and be the best darn Carnie you can be.  

Yours Clownfully,

The Laird.