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Stages of Time Away from Home

Some people state that  there are a number of ‘stages’ involved in separation and reunion when a person is away from home. Clearly, however, not every person  will necessarily experience every stage, in the same way, or in the same time  as another may. 

For family and friends who are be 'left behind' when a member leaves , each stage of  the time away from home  may be characterised by some fairly usual expectations, feelings and reactions. Different emotional experiences which may be experienced are identified for Pre-Going Away, While Away, Reunion, and Readjustment after coming home .

Emotions ranging from fear, anger and abandonment, through to excitement, hope, satisfaction and relief, may arise before, during and after the separation period. Not everyone will experience all of these, and individuals will vary in the kind and strength of their feelings. It is important to accept that separation is an emotive issue, and experiencing a variety of emotions during this time is completely normal. Although it may be difficult, talking through such emotions can be extremely beneficial.

Further information about emotions during deployment is available on the Defence Health Service website on the Internet or Intranet.

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Pre-Going Away

    Expectation of separation (6-8 weeks prior to leaving).

• Possible Feelings: excitement, denial, fear, anger, resentment, hurt.

    Emotional Withdrawal (1 week prior to leaving).

• Possible Feelings: confusion, ambivalence, anger, withdrawal.
• Reactions: coolness, arguments and disagreements.

Prior to a Defence member leaves, their family  may go through a whole series of different emotions and experiences. There may be a need to carry out some financial planning to deal with the different costs which may be encountered during time apart. Partners may try to encourage the Defence member to finish any uncompleted tasks or home repairs that they feel they would be unable to do on their own.

Six to eight weeks prior to going away generally  partners begin to prepare and 'psych up' for the member's departure. Both partner and member may become busy thinking about practical details that need to be tended to before the member leaves. They may also feel excited, intimidated, and maybe a little worried about how they will manage. Some degree of resentment may be felt towards the cause of the impending separation.

In the last three to four weeks, in anticipation of being apart for so long, couples may begin to put distance between themselves, building a few walls, and maybe withdrawing from each other. This is a normal strategy to help cope with being apart. Couples may become irritated with each other or even fight at this stage.

This distancing from each other may reach a peak about two to three days before the day of separation  when couples may both feel that the member should be gone so that the countdown to the reunion - which may seem an eternity away - can begin. Couples may talk about and plan their reunion in detail.

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While Away

    Emotional Confusion (1-6 weeks after departure).

• Possible Feelings: sense of abandonment, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganisation, intense business.
• Activities: being more busy than usual.
• Reactions: crying, loss of sleep, loss of appetite.

    Adjustment (for most of the time away ).

• Possible Feelings: hope, confidence, calm, less anger, loneliness.
• Activities: establishing routine, establishing communications, self growth, and independence.

    Expectation of Reunion (6-8 weeks prior to homecoming).

• Possible Feelings: apprehension, excitement, high expectations, worry.
• Activities: planning homecoming, cleaning, dieting.

On the day of departure, whatever you say to each other may seem awkward and not quite right. Afterwards, when you reflect  on not seeing each other for a substantial period of time, you may wonder why you couldn't have had a more romantic, more 'right' goodbye. This is completely normal.

For the first day or so after the member leaves, you may feel robotic, just going through the moves, almost as if in shock. Some people want to stay home with no one around. It is common to feel depressed and have no energy. You may wonder if it was easy for the member to leave, especially if they seemed excited about going away.

It is common to feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities you are facing. There may be a sense of abandonment. As a result, you may feel anger towards your partner, the unit, the Commanding Officer, the military - the whole world. This stage does pass as you find that you can handle the separation, and within a few days or weeks, are beginning to settle into a pattern.

If you don't find some comfortable pattern after your partner has left and you continue to feel upset, call a friend and talk about it, or call your local DCO Office and get some professional assistance to get you over the hurdle.

The new pattern of your life while your partner is gone may find you a little more subdued, and possibly lonely. You may find that you do not sleep as easily as when your partner is home. Routine exercise can help sleep patterns, as can soothing music to block out sounds in the night. Leaving a light on in the house for late night arrivals is a good idea.
Establishing a routine that works whilst the member is away can be beneficial. Regularity can be comforting.

Some tips to help partners cope while Defence members areaway from home:
Be good to yourself - Take time out now and then to do something a little bit selfish - take a long bath, cook a special dish, or hire a babysitter and go out for a night with friends. Don't forget to give yourself credit for dealing with things as well as you have.

Stay healthy and happy - Try to take good care of yourself. Exercise regularly (remember to talk to your doctor before beginning an exercise program), eat right and get enough sleep. Learn how to relax and manage stress. Don't turn to alcohol and other drugs for stress reduction. Remember there is always someone on call at the National Welfare Coordination Centre and the Defence Community Organisation if you want to talk.

Stay positive - It's easy to see the negative side of a family member being away, but seeing the positive side has many more rewards. Find another military spouse who is alone to share activities, thoughts and frustrations with. Spend time with upbeat friends - and try to be positive. Think of separation as a chance to grow.

Stay busy - Time passes much more quickly when you're busy. Try to see separation as a time to learn something new. Maybe you could take those TAFE courses you've always promised yourself. You could learn new job skills or volunteer for a support organisation.

Do something fun and exciting - Spend time each week doing something out of the routine. Go to the movies, the library or to the beach. Try to avoid sitting home feeling sorry for yourself.

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Reunion

    Honeymoon (1 day - or until first argument!).

• Possible Feelings: euphoria, excitement, confusion.
• Activities: talking, re-establishing intimacy, and readjusting.

Six to eight weeks before your partner's return, you may begin planning for the homecoming. In addition there may be niggling worries:

• Will they have changed?
• Will they still love me?
• Will they approve of the changes in me?
• Will we be as close as we were before?

As the time gets nearer you will probably get more and more excited, may sleep less and less and in your mind you may play over the various versions of the homecoming.

In the last few days you may seem to find yourself caught up in many different emotions. Whilst happy about your partner's return, you may also be apprehensive: your partner's return threatens your hard won independence. It is quite common and very normal to feel this way.

Defence members are also often apprehensive about the homecoming. They may be a little unsure and wonder if you have learnt to do without them - that they're not needed, or wanted anymore.

The actual reunion can sometimes be more stressful than separation. Knowing what to expect and how to deal with changes can make the return more enjoyable and less stressful. While the member is away, both the absent partner and the at-home partner will almost certainly follow a new routine. New routines are usually accompanied by greater responsibility. As a result, both people will probably experience some form of personal growth. Therefore, expect to experience various emotions at this time, ranging from euphoria and excitement, to confusion or possibly anger.

A period of adjustment to re-establish old patterns and to establish newer, better ones may be required after reunion. Bearing this in mind, don't expect or perhaps even want, to fall into 'how it was' overnight.

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Readjustment

    Readjustment (1-6 weeks following return).

• Possible Feelings: discomfort, role confusion, satisfaction, happiness.
• Activities: renegotiating relationships, redefining roles, settling in.

To help with reuniting and readjusting after a member returns, including re-establishing intimacy, some hints and tips are provided below.

Considerations for those coming home

• Be aware that some things may have changed while you were gone.
• Expect your partner to be 'different' (eg, more confident, independent).
• 'Roles' at home may have changed in order to manage normal chores.
• Your expectations may be different from your partner's expectations. Talk about them.
• Face-to-face communication may be hard at first.
• Expect friends/partner to remember promises made by phone/letters
• Sexual closeness may be awkward at first (see re-establishing intimacy).
• Partners may be more independent and have learned new coping skills - this doesn't mean you're less loved or less important.
• Friends/partners may have new friends, job, and support systems.
• You may have changed in your outlook on life and your priorities - how do friends/family fit into this?
• Expect the possibility of a homecoming 'letdown' (things do not necessarily go to plan or expectation).
• Children have grown and may be 'different' in many ways.
• A 'perfect' reunion with your child may not occur.
• Go easy on stories about where you've been/what you've done.
• You may just want to relax, put your feet up and enjoy being at home whilst friends/partner/family may want to party with you and to make up for lost time (or vice versa).

Considerations for those that stayed at home:

• The member on deployment may have 'changed'.
• Members may be unused to the noise and confusion of family, or unused to crowds/cities/heat/cold/quiet.
• Members may feel 'threatened' by your new friends/support systems, or wonder how you fit into this group of friends or the family now.
• Members may feel hurt if the children are slow to show affection.
• Avoid scheduling too many activities or get-togethers.
• Go slow in making adjustments, and be patient.
• Remind the home-comer that they're still needed and much loved.

Tips for readjusting:

• Talk to each other and listen.
• Remember previously unresolved problems may surface.
• Support good things you both  have done.
• Be prepared to make some adjustments.
• Go slowly when re-establishing you places with friends/family.
• Both of you should try to curb any desire to take immediate control.
• Give each other a little space.
• Expect that things that worked before might not work now.
• Remember there are support agencies that can help you to talk things through.

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Re-Establishing Intimacy

Intimacy means mentally getting together, as well as physically getting together. Letters and phone calls help maintain the 'mental side' while apart. This is confirmed on coming home, but what the 'physical' side may be a little different. Sexual relationships need to be re-established slowly and carefully. It is important to develop good communication and trust.

Tips for re-establishing intimacy and sexual relationships:

• Relish the process of getting back together
• 'Tune in' to your partner.
• Have patience; take your time, reassure/respect.
• Establish intimacy (talking and trust).
• Compliment and comment on any special arrangements which have been  made (eg. bedroom, dinner, dress, perfume/aftershave).
• Do special things to set the mood.
• Don't expect too much the first time.
• It's normal to feel strange together after a separation.
• Tell each other your expectations.
• Talk about any problems
• Try something a little different.

Roadblocks to re-establishing intimacy and sexual relationships:

• Jealousy (not talking honestly).
• Anxiety (about performance or other matters such as fidelity, weight gain/loss).
• Going too fast/too slow at the wrong time (not reading partner's 'cues').
• No 'courtship' (no romantic talk, no foreplay, no after play).
• Children in the house.
• Visitors/relatives around - make space and time for each other.
• Anger/resentment.
• Illness/fatigue.
• Too much alcohol.

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Communication While Away

It is important to keep in touch with members while they are away. Messages from home can help boost morale during time apart. For postal communication it is very important to make certain  that the member's service details and full address are clear and correct. If in doubt, contact the National Welfare Coordination Centre or your local DCO Office.

Some suggestions, hints and tips for communication while the member is away  through letters,care packages,telephone calls and e-mail are outlined below.

Letters

Letters are inexpensive, personalised and they can be re-read many times. Below are some tips for both those away and those at home to enhance communication by letter.

• Write letters as if you are talking to your loved one. Let them know about daily activities, share family news and maybe send local newspaper articles of interest.
• Write often. If this is difficult, supplement with cards, postcards, surprise flowers, presents, faxes or e-mail.
• Answer all questions from previous communication.
• Ask advice when needed.
• Express your appreciation for letters or tapes already sent, mentioning one or two points of special interest.
• Remember the importance of the amount and frequency of expressions of affection.
• Share your feelings as openly and freely as you can without indulging in self-pity or being self-centred. 
• Explain problems clearly. Vague information may cause worry.
• Express yourself clearly and un-equivocally so that they won't have to say; 'I wonder what was meant by that!' Neither party should try to interpret what the other says, read between the lines, or distort the meanings. If you don't understand, ask questions - otherwise take things at face value.
• Give news of neighbourhood, friends and relatives.
• Rumours should be avoided.
• Date or number each letter so that if more than one letter is received at once, your partner will know which one was written first.
• If you must communicate bad news in a letter, be clear and to the point and explain all the details fully.
• Overseas mail is prone to delays - expect this.
• If you are angry or perhaps just had a disagreement – write how you feel and say everything you want to say – and then put it away overnight – then have a look at it the next day.  On the second reading, you may decide to change it a little!  Remember – angry or upset letters will no doubt produce the same feelings in your partner, and there won’t be much they can do about it, because you are separated.

Care Packages

Care packages can be like sending a little bit of home to your loved one. They can contain gifts, food items, toiletries, or anything that the member might want or need. Children's artwork or photos of friends and family can help lessen the distance between home and away. Audio or video cassettes/discs are another good way of sharing extra information and it can be good to hear or see family and friends during time apart. Ensure that recipients have access to appropriate equipment to play such messages prior to sending them.

For care packages it is best to use sturdy containers and to use caution sending perishable goods. Mail may be subject to quarantine inspection. Packages are often opened in front of others, so it is wise to safeguard privacy and not send anything that would embarrass you or your loved one in front of others.

Keep in mind that mail can take longer than expected. Ensure you check with NWCC about any weight or content restrictions for the particular deployment your ADF member may be on.

Telephone Calls

Telephone communication is often available whilst members are away. For many, telephone calls are the next best thing to being there. Nonetheless, there is a price for that luxury, and telephone calls can be expensive, particularly for mobile phones. To counteract this, it helps to find out when call when rates are cheaper and to write down the points that need to be discussed prior to calling. It may be useful to plan for calls in your ‘time away from home’ budget. Remember that children will also want to say hello.

E-mail

Modern communication methods mean that families may be able to communicate instantaneously with  members via e-mail. Members and families should check with their unit for further details and addresses prior to departure, as local arrangements and protocol may vary. 

Remember that though emails are ‘instantaneous”, a whole variety of circumstances may prevail at the time (such as Operational issues), which could mean that your partner may not be in a position to receive your email and / or to respond to it.

Emails, because of their rapid nature, also bring the potential to communicate angry or upset feelings quickly.  Please see the comment about this above in the “letters” section.

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Support During Deployment and Time Away from Home

DCO Services and Support

DCO provides a number of services to  families while members are away from home. These include:

• Details of any support or information groups being held during the deployment period
• Information on how to contact a member.
• How to access local support groups.
• Access to sources of emergency financial assistance.
• Confidential casework and counselling services.
• Case management of members seriously ill, injured or killed.
• Information on local support groups.
• Compassionate Returns to Australia.
• Contact numbers and details for Out of Hours 24/7 Emergency Support should a personal or family crisis occur.

Social Support Activities

In addition to the range of social work, family liaison, education liaison and other support services provided, and in conjunction with Units, DCO may also sponsor or support social gatherings amongst families of deployed members.  These aim to promote networking and to reinforce the valuable role of spouses and other next-of-kin in support of ADF Operations.
Support Groups can provide valuable assistance before, during and after deployment. Some support groups also provide opportunities for learning, recreation and other networking activities.  Support or activity groups may be available in your local community, or particular groups may be organised by DCO.
Each support group is designed  to meet different needs and will reflect local interest and availability. Examples may include:

• Family days and trips
• Fitness activities
• Community projects
• Workshops and classes
• Self help groups
• Social evening and activities for partners and families

For any operational deployment, DCO staff work closely with Unit, Divisional and Admin officers to ensure that  support is offered to members and their families.
For information about support groups in your area contact your local DCO Area Team office, or inquire at the member's Unit.

Next Of Kin Telephone Contacts

DCO Social Workers or Family Liaison Officers will try contact  the next of kin of all deployed members at intervals during a deployment.   .They can only do this if permission is given on the NWCC form.

The purpose of the contact from DCO is to make sure  that family members have DCO and other important contact numbers in case of any problem or emergency situations. In addition, DCO will  pass on information to family members, such as dates and venues for information and support functions.

Kids of Defence Program

This five week program aims to help  primary school aged children to cope with, and adjust to, family separations, disruptions and change and may be available in your area. Topics include:

• understanding Defence parents' jobs;
• managing change;
• linking thoughts, feelings and behaviours;
• making and keeping friends; and building self-esteem.

The program is run  by Defence Social Workers and the REDLO in a fun, friendly environment. Parents are encouraged to attend a parent information session to be able to reinforce the strategies and concepts at home.

Please contact your local DCO Office to enquire as to whether this program is available near you.

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Children and Deployment or Time away from Home

Communicating  with children about deployments is important to help them understand and cope with one parent being away. Young children may see themselves as the cause of the separation, and may feel that their parent is going away because they have been bad, or because the parent does not love them any more. It is important that children know that this is not the case. Time should be spent with children talking truthfully about deployment.

Children of different ages need to be communicated to differently to help them  understand.

• Very young children  may not understand that the separation may only be for a period of time. It is important for them to maintain a special relationship with another parent or carer to help them deal with the changes in their life.
• For toddlers, it may not be helpful to talk about a parent going away too long in advance, as they have a different sense of time. A couple of days in advance is plenty of time. It is very important that toddlers have a secure and close person to be with before and during separation, and it helps to maintain their daily routines.
• Preschoolers and school age children should be included in discussions about deployments or being away from home much earlier, as they will know from conversations and preparations that something is going on. Dealing with reality is better than what they may imagine to be occurring, therefore open and honest communication is important.

In talking about time away from home, , explain at the appropriate level why Dad and/or Mum is going, where, with whom and for how long. Sit down with the whole family and talk about feelings. Children often have a very hard time talking about their feelings. Let children know that it is okay to talk about feelings (even negative feelings) by gently  sharing some of your own feelings, and let each member of the family express how they feel about the separation.

It can help for each parent to spend time individually with each child prior to and after the time away from home  to encourage communication and to let them know that they are loved. Special time together helps to cement bonds and provide positive memories during times apart.

Encourage older children to talk with younger ones about previous times away from home ; how long it seemed, what they did, how they felt while Dad or Mum was away and when they returned. Discussing the rules of the house and making them 'House Rules' rather than 'Dad's' or 'Mum's' rules will help during the period of separation.

There are a number of both practical and fun things you can do to assist children to cope with separation from a parent. Involving (or at least advising) your child's school will also be an important part of this process.

For further practical information about helping children through deployment contact your local DCO Area Office and speak with the REDLO and the Social Worker.
Other information about children and deployment is available on the Defence Health Service Intranet and Internet sites.

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Further Information and Useful Links

Further information about deployment or time away is also available on the Defence Health Service Internet and Intranet sites.

The Defence Mental Health Strategy website (on the Internet and Intranet) is also a valuable source of information to assist members and families before, during and after time away.

For information about current Australian Defence Force Operations visit the Defence internet website

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